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Some Elements of Best Practice in Counselling the Family and Friends of Missing Persons
ABOUT THE COUNSELLOR
Persons offering or proposing to offer counselling services to the families and friends of missing persons need to be suitably qualified and aware of the particular problems of those who have sought such counselling.
It is considered neither sufficient or necessary for the counsellor to have experienced the trauma of having a family member or friend go missing, however it is essential for them to be fully cognizant of the ‘lived experience’ of those who have.
While formal qualifications may not be necessary to provide counselling in particular cases, it is difficult to envisage an untrained person possessing the breadth and depth of knowledge required to manage the vast array of possible contingencies that may arise in the process of the counselling. Not the least of these is the need for early recognition and intervention where more serious psychological disorders may be developing. This is not to discount the very important, if not essential, role that can be played by those with experience as members of support groups and mentoring networks, a role that, in most cases, cannot be carried out by the professional counsellor. As Walter (1996) suggests, people may also wish to speak with others who knew the person who is missing, and in these cases, talking to a professional is a poor second best.
It is particularly important for the counsellor to possess an understanding of the ambiguous state in which family and friends of missing persons find themselves. Of special note is the sense of loss that, as outlined earlier, never quite fits many of the common or standard models of grief and therefore never ultimately settles. Indeed, while some refer to the experience as “continuous grieving”, descriptive phrases such as “chronic relapsing trauma” or “episodic stress” are perhaps more accurate drawing attention to the uneven emotional experience suffered by friends and family of missing persons and particularly for those of the long term missing. With this concept in mind, aspects of “psychological first aid” referred to in the NSW Disaster Mental Health Response Handbook will be central to the very practical role of empathic support offered by a counsellor from time to time. For example:
- The basic human response of comforting and consoling a distressed person.
- Protecting from threat or distress as far as possible.
- Furnishing immediate care for the physical necessities.
- Providing goal orientation and support for specific reality-based tasks.
- Facilitating reunions with loved ones with similar anxieties.
- Sharing the experience.
- Linking the person to systems of support and sources of help that will be ongoing.
- Facilitating the beginning of some sense of mastery.
In terms of more formal counselling, the theoretical basis of the counsellor’s chosen model appears less important than the ability to convey meaningful empathy. The literature, sparse as it is, coupled with the combined anecdotal experience of families and friends of missing persons, supports the contention that no individual experience is the same as another and that satisfaction levels with the support and counselling offered will finally be determined by the clients. As in most other areas of counselling, the nature of the relationship between the counsellor and the client will be the most critical element of useful counselling.
ABOUT SPECIAL KNOWLEDGE
Those offering counselling to the families and friends of missing persons need a detailed knowledge of the psychological and emotional experiences faced by such individuals and family units as well as an awareness of the personal, social, interpersonal, legal and practical issues confronting their reality.
The realisation that a loved one is missing provokes unheralded anxiety and anguish mixed with a doubting hope that presents the individual with a confused spectrum of emotion that defies description. Suffice to say that the experience presents a full range of feelings from the very depths of ones most primitive fears of abandonment and isolation to the heights of faith and hope while along the way, guilt, panic, despair, anger, sadness and an array of roller coasting other emotions emerge.
Families and friends of missing persons speak of the pain of not knowing and the mental torture of perhaps never knowing. They tell of their experience in learning of a body or remains being found and, while on the one hand dread that forensic tests will confirm their worst fears, on the other, thinking that at least their uncertainty would end. But with this thought, comes a further flood of emotion including guilt and regret.
There are many dilemmas and questions faced by the families and friends of missing persons including “how long do we search?” and “with what intensity?” “When do we give up and wait?” “Should we have a service and should it be a funeral or a thanksgiving or a hope service?” “Why isn’t my partner feeling the same as me?” “Was it something I did to cause my loved one to go?” “Were we such bad parents?” “When should we have a Coroner’s case?” “Why aren’t the police doing more?” “Why didn’t people take me seriously in the first place?” “Whose responsibility is the property?”, and an untold number of other unanswerable questions, conflicts and complications.
Amidst all of these complex issues and emotions is the need to deal with the well meaning who urge them to “move on”, “to let go”, “to come to terms”, “to accept”, “to resolve” and other phrases designed to be helpful, but often only provoke further anxiety and sometimes anger.
While the helpful counsellor will need to have a special awareness of the problems faced by individuals, they will also need to be aware of the volatile tensions that can emerge within the relationships of those struggling to deal with the anguish of not knowing. As Heiey (1991) emphasises, families under intense stress may not communicate effectively and may therefore be unable to support each other. Parents speak of destructive tensions within their marriage particularly where individuals become totally preoccupied with the missing child or are consumed with their own struggles to maintain some semblance of emotional stability and have little nurturing left over for their partner. Remaining siblings frequently complain of similar feelings of abandonment with one adolescent revealingly commenting to his parent “ I wonder if you would miss me this much if I was missing?” The major task of the therapist under these circumstances is to help the family re-establish the lines of communication and support, and to enhance their coping abilities and resources where necessary (Levy, Martinkowski & Derby, 1994; Heiey, 1991).
In intervening with children in this context, it is further important for the professional helper to adjust treatment according to the developmental stage of the child (Heiey, 1991). For example, the helper could assist the child in developing a concrete understanding of what has happened, give them permission to grieve or ventilate feelings, encourage play as a way of expressing grief, or identifying “magical” thinking surrounding the person’s disappearance that may lead to inappropriate feelings of guilt (Heiey, 1991).
There is also a need to understand and be able to assist in situations where a missing person may be located giving rise to another set of issues within family and friendship groups that may not always be as imagined. Of course, in situations where worst fears are realised and remains are confirmed as one’s loved one, the processes of (perhaps) a complicated grief reaction may ensue.
A further need for understanding and knowledge by the counsellor emerges in situations where the missing person is located but does not wish to be reunited with family and friends. This situation is not uncommon for many parents of young people who choose to “live away” following some real or imagined unresolvable family conflict. However, the phenomena is not restricted to young people with many others choosing, often without notice, to move away from their family and friendship networks. The issues for those left are frequently complex and raise a myriad of self-searching questions punctuated with a range of emotions from anger to profound sadness.
In addition to an advanced knowledge of general counselling and the specific issues confronted by the family and friends of missing persons, counsellors should have a current knowledge of specialised referral agencies and support groups. These organisations are often best placed to offer practical assistance in the search particularly where the loved one is missing overseas.
ABOUT SERVICE
Given the recurrent and intermittent nature of distress experienced by the families and friends of missing persons, those offering counselling need to be flexible in their availability.
Understandably, in the early stages of becoming aware that a loved one is missing a very intense, if not frantic, period of search activity is evident. Experience dictates that during this time “psychological first aid” and practical assistance are priority activities with the traditional forms of face-to-face counselling probably inappropriate. Indeed, Trolley (1993) suggests that the role of helpers in these early stages is that of a crisis counsellor; offering support, calm reassurance, concerned objectivity, and providing information and assistance with practical matters and decision making processes.
However, as time unfolds, for that small percentage where the individual continues to be missing, counselling may rise in usefulness. Trolley (1993) indicates that throughout the grief process, it is important for the counsellor to be an empathic listener, who is comfortable with different displays of emotion, can suggest methods to improve communication and decision making within the family unit, and who can educate people as to differences in grieving and coping styles. Insecurity can be reduced by reassuring people of the skills they already possess, that is by encouraging them to explore their world and make the best possible use of these skills (Parkes, 1997).
There then ensues an extended period, varying in individual cases, where less regular contact is sought and usually at times when some trigger sets off a re-stressing of the client not dissimilar to the original experience. These triggers may be the discovery of human remains, the confessions of a multiple murderer, a media report of a similar case, finding a long misplaced photo of the missing person, mistaking a face in the crowd, an anniversary etc. It will be important for the counsellor to be available at these times. There is therefore a need for persons offering specialised counselling for the family and friends of missing persons to be around for the possible long haul building the kind of relationships required for effectiveness.
Availability in times of emergency, a preparedness to be known and listed as someone with special knowledge in the area of counselling family and friends of missing persons and a commitment to ensuring currency of professional knowledge and expertise is imperative. In this context, a current knowledge of available support and referral services is also of vital importance.
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