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The Lived Experience
When a person goes missing, the impact on those left behind is enormous. For every case of a missing person reported to police, an average of twelve people are affected in some way, be it health consequences, financial difficulties, or quality of life issues (Henderson & Henderson, 1997).
In Australia, 37% of people with missing friends/relatives experience physical or emotional problems directly related to the incident (Henderson & Henderson, 1997). These include migraines, sleep loss, cramps and other stress-related symptoms. The disappearance of a family member/friend impacts on the work or business activities of around half of the people involved, with reports of work performance suffering due to concentration problems and time off work (Henderson & Henderson, 1997).
The economic impact of being the relative of a person who is missing is substantial, with 97% of these conducting some kind of search for the missing person (Henderson & Henderson, 1997).
In addition, legal issues arise in the use and maintenance of the missing persons’ property, which are not easily resolved. Ninety-four percent of people experience a disruption in their routine activities and quality of life. This includes irregular meals, late nights, disturbed sleep, altered social and leisure activities and sometimes ignoring the emotional needs of other children in the family (Henderson & Henderson, 1997).
Further, in 57% of cases, the relationships of those people left behind are affected in terms of a breakdown of trust, arguments, and expressions of hostility and anger directed at others (Henderson & Henderson, 1997). Emotionally, people report shame, embarrassment, shock, sadness and helplessness at the disappearance of a family member or friend (Henderson & Henderson, 1997).
Case studies of parents whose child has gone missing reveal they are consumed with fear, as well as frustration with police who are unable to provide answers relating to the disappearance (Gosch & Tamarkin, 1988). Feelings of guilt prevail, with people feeling responsible for not adequately protecting the missing person from danger and, as time goes on, for re-integrating into society and enjoying some aspects of life (Brannen & Podesta, 1990). Klass and Marwit (1988-9) suggest that the loss of a child is a particularly serious challenge to the competence of a parent, such that they report the following: “I couldn’t protect him from doing one foolish thing, and that one thing cost him his life. I’m a failure as a father, I feel so hopeless”. Self-esteem relates to the success one perceives they have achieved in valued social roles, such as parenthood, and as such, mothers in particular are vulnerable to the loss of self-esteem (Riches & Dawson, 1996).
Re-integration into society presents an additional problem for some family members and friends of missing people, being branded “hysterical” and “nuisance” by police and “fanatical” by neighbours (Gosch & Tamarkin, 1988).
In addition, for the families and friends of missing people, there exists a real tension between avoiding and confronting the reality of their situation. For example, one mother reported that “nothing anybody can say will make me feel better¼I wake up in the morning and at least the worst hasn’t happened, at least they haven’t found her dead” (Brannen & Podesta, 1990). Another person, whose brother went missing, suggests “to all intents and purposes, my brother is dead – he is cut off from his family and friends. It has actually been easier for me to cope with a dead brother than a missing one, but there will always be that element of doubt” (Jones, 1988). This is where families and friends of missing people are the most vulnerable.
Although information relating specifically to the experiences of friends and families of missing people is sparse, a number of studies have been carried out to assess the health, social and other consequences associated with the death of a loved one. These consequences are magnified in the event of a sudden, traumatic and unexpected loss.
In the immediate weeks after bereavement, people experience a significant decrease in the functioning of their immune system, compromising their ability to stave of physical illness (Parkes, 1987-8). Although mortality rates do not appear to be elevated among bereaved people, one in three bereavements will lead to a morbid outcome such as depression, drug or alcohol problems and chronic anxiety (Parkes, 1987-8).
Parents who have lost a child tend to become either over-protective or neglectful of those children who remain in the family, and are often pre-occupied with memories of the deceased child (Parkes, 1987-8). Although marriage seems to have a buffering effect against the physically detrimental effects of bereavement, evidence suggests that the loss of a child is associated with an increased risk of marital and relationship breakdown compared with couples for whom such a tragedy has not occurred (Dijkstra & Stroebe, 1998). Although socially unacceptable, parents may feel anger at the child who has died/disappeared for the role they played in their own demise, or for not being able to say goodbye and express their love (Drenovsky, 1994).
Siblings of deceased people suffer from sleep disturbance, and guilt at being left behind (Parkes, 1987-8). Boys often express their grief in terms of aggression, while girls may be more passive and become “compulsive caregivers”, taking over the parental role. This is particularly the case for children aged 8-12 years, who also will suffer anxiety about their own and their parent’s ability to survive (Parkes, 1987-8). In losing a family member, children not only lose that person, but also their world of shared assumptions, including their morals and values (Rafman et al., 1996). If a family member has gone missing, a child’s normal supportive, protective network is also absent, as each member struggles to cope with the loss. Children may also develop “magical thinking” around the person’s death or disappearance. For example, they may believe “if I behave perfectly enough, mum will come back” (Waldegrave, 1999), or “if I had been a good boy, daddy wouldn’t have gone away” (McKissock & McKissok, 1995). Although these expressions are aimed at making sense of something terrible that has happened, if left unchecked, this style of thinking may lead to problems over the longer term, particularly if the person does not return.
From a developmental perspective, children are particularly sensitive to parental cues of danger and fear (Parkes, 1997). That is, children will learn what to fear from their parents, and will develop a set of assumptions about the world based on this. If parents are excessively fearful, as may be the case if a child goes missing, the children left behind may develop a somewhat distorted view of the world that, once established, is difficult to alter and makes them vulnerable to fear and anxiety in later life (Parkes, 1997).
In contrast to the loss of a child, loss of a spouse results in greater loneliness and anxiety about the future. For many, partners meet security and self-esteem needs, and when a spouse is lost, the person left behind also loses this resource (Worden, 1991).
Many family members and friends of missing people experience disenfranchisement in their social world. Disenfranchisement occurs when a person’s experience of loss is unacknowledged, socially negated, invalidated or unrecognised (Dempsey & Baago, 1998; Doka, 1989). In one mother’s experience, some people would say “you can’t hold onto him forever, you have to let him go. But it was unliveable for me to think that I was forever cut off from him” (Waldegrave, 1999). Another mother recalls that “I think of her – well all the time you do it, it just comes through your mind. On special days like Christmas and her birthday and mother’s day and all those times when children seem more special” (Kendall, Clayton-Brown & Read).
Other people rarely know how to encourage the safe expression of grief, therefore the opportunity for emotional release in everyday discourse is limited (Riches & Dawson, 1996). Families and friends of missing people may feel stigmatised and vague about their social position as they will often become the object of pity, avoidance, embarrassment, and possibly blame for what has happened (Riches & Dawson, 1996).
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